Coming to grips

“yeah plus my poor heart’s been battered a few too many times for me to let it play on sleeves”

Maybe this just means I’m growing up.
Too tender to go on unabashedly maintaining frivolity.
Too old now to pretend not to notice the damage I could inflict.
On myself,
on others.

Some silly sexual shit doesn’t mean the same to me.
Actually, despite the occasional bouts of promiscuity, I’m an awfully monogamous-minded person. And, uh… straight. Took me some time to determine that, mostly. But. OFF SUBJECT.

I call it selectivitity. Of course, a made-up word would be the best kind of word to describe this ‘state of emotion’, in which I’M LITERALLY TERRIFIED of having another being fooled by another emotional relationship built atop a foundation of sexual attraction.
It is just too… fleeting.
In my experience.
And, too often than not,
False.

But, hell. I was (best) friends with my Most Monumental Lover for more than a year before I was actually able to secure that elusive girlfriend card.
Friendship, and that indefinable know-each-other-better-than-we-know-ourselves feeling, means a lot to me. More than, if that can be imagined, a heady sexual connection. Actually, the COMBINATION of those things means more than either things standing alone.
If THAT can be imagined. Ha.
I feel like as long as the lines of communication are open, sexual boundaries are as well. Which is… Comforting. If potentially false.
So.
The IDEA is to refrain from attempting to build emotional relationships from physical ones, and to instead develop and maintain an emotional relationship (which, to me, differs from an emotional connection) BEFORE assuming (or, you know, instigating- or ALLOWING to be instigated) a physical relationship.
IN OTHER WORDS. I should probably maintain my own emotional health by creating physical relationships and connections ONLY AFTER having put time and effort (MUTUAL TIME AND EFFORT) into building and sustaining an emotional connection that might actually be capable of handling the emotional weight caused by all that sustaining and building and physically connecting.

Alright, maybe for some, this isn’t rocket science.
Maybe for those,
to whom this isn’t rocket science,
maybe to those, this actually all seems like common sense.
I fucking WISH this was ‘common sense’ to me.

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2 thoughts on “Coming to grips

  1. Sarah says:

    This was excellent. It’s hard to learn these things, and I think it is part of growing up, but even then, it isn’t as easy as it sounds. I think that the sexual and emotional sides can grow equally, but what’s really important is that it always does keep growing. If either aspect stops growing or diminishes then that’s where you run into the problems. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt though and I really hope you can find the “perfect” one. Also, I really like how you write. It reminds me of a good indie movie or an awesome existential novel or something. Like the tone. Or something. hard to explain!

    • msrinear says:

      Ha I chuckled disruptively when I read ‘an awesome existential novel or something’ so my neighbors may not appreciate it but I do! Thanks Sarah, I’m working on being An Adult with Adult Ideas. Some change since the ever-judgy high school honors english class..

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